Glory hurts

I sit here typing with beautiful, freshly manicured nails- and it thrills me. Today my boss and YL decided to treat the few girls that we have on staff to a day of pampering. I got a manicure, pedicure, massage and free lunch. It was nice! (See picture below of my boss getting a pedicure!) :) This is a luxury that I don't take the time to do for myself very often (nor do I have the money for.) And to be honest, it's something that has never been too terribly important to me. You see, it's pretty safe to say that I have struggled with self-loathing/hatred for well of most of my life. It's a wound that began at the age of 5 and that Satan has picked at for forever. It's really sad actually. But it has never really grieved me until recently. To me, I just couldn't stand me. But it didn't seem to bother anyone else (so I thought) and I didn't see myself as worth the trouble anyways, so I tried not to focus on me...unless I was criticizing myself (which I was all the time; so oddly enough I was always focused on, well...me.) That's exhausting just to write. But that all changed a few months ago...

In the last chapter of John and Stasi Eldredge's book, Love & war, John talks about how we usually learn to love through bearing our cross. Yep and Amen! And my Bible teacher, Beth Moore, once said, we move from Glory to Glory, and Glory hurts, but it is something that is indescribeably beautiful. Can I hear another Amen?! I knew that but I didn't "KNOW" that...not until a few moths ago. It was the most painful season in my life that I have honestly EVER walked through. But in it, God took over and LITERALLY rocked my world! He tested me, refined me, encouraged me, loved me, strengthened me...and changed me...HALLELUJAH! I am truly different. But being the self-loather that I am, I didn't grasp just how different. Not until last night.

You see, over the past few months I have found my identity in Christ and have learned to love me. But over-coming self-hatred is a process, so although I was changing, the old part in me still tended to focus on my negatives vs. my positives. But last night, God grabbed my little face and spoke a word to me. I was where I have always been on a Tuesday night for he past 10 years...prayer & bible study. After prayer one of my friends came up to me and said, "Corrie, you prayed that the peace of Christ would rule in your heart and I just wanted to tell you that it does. I see it in you. You are different." (Thanks, Gina!) :) After that we got to talking a bit about just how different our lives were- for the better...praise Jesus! A little while later, my prayer mentor grabbed me, w/o knowing of what had just happened, looked me dead straight in the eyes, and said, "Corrie, you are different. You have always been beautiful, but you truly radiate Christ now and there is a maturity about you from Him." To which I replied, "That's what Gina just said." To which she replied, "Then it's confirmed." She spent the rest of the night continuosly speaking that over me in several ways. And on top of that, during our prayer time God gave me Psalm 126...about how He has turned our mourning into dancing. That's how I felt. After that we all headed into Bible Study. Praise and worship started us off and I found myself compelled to go to the altar to offer a sacrifice of praise (along-side you, Gina.) I have never done that before but it seemed so fitting. I felt God whisper to me, "My sweet one, you have come so far but not yet taken time to see it. Stop for a moment, quit focusing on all the areas that you need to grow in for a bit, and just enjoy how far you have come." And that I sure did. All praise to you, my Lord! "Lord, You are my Lord! A part from You, I have no good thing!" After that Bible study began and, in short, Beth taught on how far our lives come with Christ! Hello! He sure wanted to get my attention! I left bible study last night with a heart of praise. I am not who I was...Glory! Yet, I sadly grieved a bit too...but in a good way. B/c in having that revelation, I also realized just how much damage I had caused those around me through my self-loathing. That's what led to a lot of the painful season that I had just walked through. What an idiot I was. I never want to go back to her! But in Christ, I am not who I was! But the best part is, I have learned to love. Not just me...but also others (I'm so sorry to you know who!)

You see, that painful season: made me utterly aware of all that was ugly in me, stripped me of all that was me, showed me all that was God, made me utterly aware of just how good He really is, and humbly taught me how to love Him, myself, and others. Glory! It's all I have ever wanted. I don't know if I am making sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. I understand why we are here now. I have tasted freedom finally! We are not here for ourselves, but to bring God glory. And glory hurts...just like the cross. But it 's what counts, what matters, what ful-fills. It teaches you how to love and be loved. It's something that I never really knew but always wanted too. I see things so differently now. Now I just want to return, carrying sheaves with me! And I am and will...praise Jesus! It's all about Him, not about me! Glory!

Now, I can enjoy my manicures b/c I know that I am worth it. But I don't need them to define me nor do I want to spend all my money on that. Does that make sense? It does in my crazy brain at least! I sure hope so! In closing, enjoy a recent picture of my man with his niece. In him, God is giving me a do-over. Oh praise you, Jesus! My heart is full of praise! :) He can make you different too! Let Him...