Update: Today (next day of this post) God gave me this in my qt when i first woke up..."Our Father is preparing us to meet the deep inner needs of others by bringing us through the dark places first." Coupled with 2 Corinthians 1:3&4. Wow...so like you God to give this weary and messed up traveler a word. Oh thank You! :)
Tonight has been a rough night...coupled by (as my last post stated) a very rough summer! It seems to never get better! But admist the pain, Jesus shined a glimmer of hope into my life today. I was sitting in my front yard (in the dark) just sobbing...feeling so mis-understood, so out of place...a pity party in a sense, but a well deserved one. Anyways, as I sat there, just wishing I could fly away, I saw a lightening bug flittering all around me. Lord knows that I love those things but never see them in my neck of the woods. But there it was in all it's glory and I couldn't help but smile. A few moments later I look up and a tiny baby kitten is following it's momma down the street and just loving all over her. It was such a site for this animal loving freak! :) And then it hit me, it was at the start of this crazy summer that I had just rescued 5 baby kittens from my garage from the very same mother and they all died but one. My pity party snuck in again. "Everything I touch gets destroyed," I thought. But I always have the best intentions...My heart is good...so why Lord? And then I remembered a conversation that I had earlier that day with a girl that I was helping through a struggle. Before my day got too bad, I had a coffee date with a girl that needed some guidance. She told me that everyone she talked to about this issue would just say, "Man, that is tough. I don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes. I've never experienced that before." But she told me that she thought I would possibly have some advice. I felt flattered and equally in-adequate by that statement, but then it hit me and the words just came out of my mouth (such a revelation from God at the time...un-beknowest to me)...."You know what sweetheart," I said, "so many people want to be 'christian leaders' but they don't realize the risk involved. It's hard. I may have answers from time to time but only b/c I have had to walk through many of these tough roads myself and was forced to learn a way out b/c the only hand that I had to hold onto was God's. Baby girl, you too will make it through this and have such a story to tell. It may hurt, but God will use this to help others through you and to draw you nearer to Him and make you more like Him. Thats the only way you'll learn. Then you too can answer people and not just say, 'I don't know...I've never experienced that before.' Teachers have to be taught first." I said that to this friend of mine, yet was teaching myself too. So as I looked upon that kitten with it's momma I thought of that and gained a little perspective. And then I remembered a few days ago when I was sitting at the airport watching the movie, Bridge to Terabithia, as I traveled home from Oregon. What a great movie. I had spent the past 8 days in Oregon with my best friend, Hanna and her family. I was surrounded by 3 kids, under the age of 9, who have been a constant reminder to me of what child-like faith is. They have: no issues, no baggage, hardly any fears, basic trust, no insecurities, joy, simplicity, no worries, no time tables, etc. I am envious. It seems un-attainable to me. Yet God Himself calls us to obtain such child-like faith. Why do we struggle so much? In the movie, Bridge to Terabithia, the boy goes through a tremendous lost yet he pushes through, triumphs, finds victory and exercises his imagination. I want that! I am tired of life getting me down all the time. I am tired of the Prince of darkness winning in my life! Right now I feel like Frodo at the end of the Lord of the RIngs, the Return of the King. He wanted to die...was tired of carrying the burden of the ring. But he pressed through and won the victory for him and for the kingdom! I must press through! Yet, like Frodo, and like that helpless kitten, I need someone to carry me. I'm tired of fighting, Lord! But like someone very dear reminded me tonight, "When you are weak, Corrie, He is strong." Carry me Jesus! Give me child-like faith! I have hit 100,00 miles but as people keep telling me in reference to my car, "I have a good 100,00 left to go...."
(See above: my car...the kitten I saw tonight that we had caught a few days before and let go, and the girl who spent over a week with me last week teaching me about child-like faith!) :)