Daughter

As my last post stated, God is calling me "out of hiding," in a certain area of my life. I've struggled with this issue for years but recently just discovered the depth of it and pleaded with Him to heal it quickly, as He did the woman who was bleeding for 12 years! It is a learning process, but one that I felt He has said, "Daughter, your faith has healed you." Amen! Just a touch of His robe is all that it takes. Glorious! There you will find me, every morning on my knees, touching the hem of His garment, as He swings His robe down low! Just as one of my favorite Caedmon's Call songs used to say. It's a growing pain. Yet, God who is so rich in mercy, gives us Sabbath rests in between. Recently He has been giving me Sabbath rests through kids...which I love! How fun! As you can see, I have gone on bike rides with my niece & nephew (on my brand, new, amazing bike from Steven-yay!); watched barbie movies with my littlest niece, Abi (as she wears her new baseball helmet the entire time-ha!); witnessed my YL kids play powder puff and the new, hot game, ninja; held babies; walked dogs, etc. These are the moments where Jesus lets us breathe...take in the cross and behold His Majesty! Enjoy these times...behold them! But don't shrink from the lessons. He is transforming you and is able to stop whatever your "12 years of bleeding" is! Have faith...you, in fact, are the King's precious daughter!

Hide & Seek

I have felt so many breakthrough's in my life lately and have finally been moving forward...praise Jesus! It has been so of God and so glorious! However, last week I felt pretty attacked and a draw pulling me back to things. It was rough. On top of that, I was pretty busy and didn't have much time with Jesus. Red flag! So on thursday night I decided that I was going to fast on friday. I didn't really know what for just then, just felt that I needed too. I awoke on Friday, fasting and crying out to God in prayer for some help. I then headed to meet with a wonderful mentor and counselor that God has placed in my life. She is a gifted woman of God, full of His Spirit and wisdom. During our time together God gave her a picture of me as a little girl and revealed to her and I some things that I needed some healing from. We prayed through it and it was such a sweet time. You can think this sounds crazy, I don't care. Take it up with God. :) But I found answers to questions that I had been asking and I left my time with her feeling free-er. I felt God whisper into my heart, "this can only come out by prayer and fasting, my child." Ahh...my fasting made sense now. His word is so true!!! :)

After that I headed to meet my good friend, Kristen for coffee. She spoke truth and encouragement into my life, and we spurred one another on towards love and good deeds. I was so grateful when I left...for Jesus, for mentors, for Godly friends...which we all need! I headed home with a picture on my mind. I raced to see if I had a blank canvas at home and I did! Listen, I am no gifted artist. But every once in awhile I feel an itch to either worship the Lord through art or writing and so I do. I feel compelled too. See pic below. It is no prize but I know that it delights my Lord! :) And there you have the picture of my bird! I painted that in 30 minutes. So as you can see, it's not perfected, but straight from Him to me. He's so good that way! And I feel I should share it with you too. Here's why...

If my vulnerability and stupidity can help anyone, so be it. You see, before church today I balled for the grief in our world. "Why can't my loved ones just get You?," I cried to the Lord. And then I felt God softly and lovingly remind me, "Why can't you too, my child?" Aahh. Last night my man, Steven went to great lengths to show me his love for me...and he was so excited too. I was thrilled inside but couldn't show it. That is how I have always lived my life. I feel un-worthy of extravagant ways of love shown to me...it's un-usual to me, so I seem, sadly, un-grateful. Without going into personal detail, that happened last night. Steven had bought me my favorite flowers, written me the SWEETEST poem, etc. And I couldn't receive it...nor did I know how to handle it. But I loved it inside. So this morning, as I was praying for my loved ones to "get Jesus," that's when I felt God whisper to me, "You too. You are worthy, child." I lost it. It it the very wound my mentor and I had just addressed 2 days prior. One that I believe God released into the heavenlies that day, (hence my bird inspired painting) but was now doing so on earth, in my heart today. He is so tender! I don't know if this makes sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. It was at this time that I peened my poem (below) in just 4 minutes! Then I headed to church.

At church my pastor was talking on Genesis 18 & 19 and the destruction of Sodom & Gommorah. Basically, we must, un-like Lot, make our lives count for Christ. And we do so by looking to the cross. That is where our worth is found! It was a perfect completion to my weekend. Friends, different things may pull you back, just as happened to Lot's wife. But we must not let them win! As I will say 'til I die...We have the VICTORY in Jesus! Look to Him and you will soar as my bird implies! Come out of hiding and make your life count for something now! He alone is Your Hiding Place who surrounds you with songs of deliverance! He is waiting for you to come out with Him...! There's life to be lived...with Him! :)

Hide & Seek, By Corrie

"Come our of hiding, little one
It's time to come and play
I've fought off all the monsters
it's a brand new, beautiful day
the sun outside is shining
the birds are chirping too
the butterflies are flying
we're all just waiting for you
your dogs are playing chase
your bird is praising Me
your cat is chasing my robe-
as it flows ever so freely

that closet is dark and dim
you need not hide anymore
I'm coming in to get you
I'm scooping you off the floor
You are so precious to my, my child
I've longed to hold you tight
I've sought you in the shadows
I've fought for you with all my might

no need to hide anymore
Your heart is safe with me
so come out of hiding, My princess
I alone am your Hiding Place
and I have come to set you free!"

Love & War

Yesterday I was having my QT when I watched my cat, Sally jump up on my couch and cuddle herself right up next to a couple of books that I am currently reading (Beth Moore's, So Long Insecurity & Eldredge's, Love & War-both great reads!) Anyways, right away, my sweet, Lucy jumped up and snuggled herself right up beside Sally. I was taken back by such an adorable sight...until I watched Sally bite Lucy. Ha. The fight quickly ended and then they both snuggled in and went to sleep. It was a sweet, peaceful and loving sight. (Of course my little Linus wanted nothing to do with either one of them. He is a bit of a loner and Momma's boy.) Well, I went about my QT (having no idea what that scene would later represent to me) and then had to run out the door for a YL meeting. That's why I have been vacant lately. YL has been pretty busy. And I also feel that I am just a sponge right now. I am learning a lot, but the words aren't quite ready to be squeezed out (so to speak) just yet. Anyways, after a long day I returned home to find my Love & War book ripped to sheds. Oops...I know better than to leave things at my "farm's" direct access. I just laughed. Serves me right. I grabbed the book, tried to salvage the cover, and then sat down to read another chapter from it. Lo and behold, it was a chapter about how God loves marriage and uses it as a symbol of His love for the Church. But b/c of that fact, Satan of course wants to destroy it. Kinda like my book looked...Ripped to sheds but still readable. Hmm...so true. He only goes hard after things b/c he knows the threat that they can be to his kingdom. So why do we let him win? Why don't we fight harder?

I read a quote from Oswald Chambers yesterday that said, "God doesn't give us overcoming life-He gives us life as we overcome. If we will take the initiative to overcome, we will find that we have the inspiration of God, b/c He immediately gives us the power of life." Amen! I find that Christians either do nothing and wait for God to fight. Or they feel they have to do it themselves, help God out, and are fighting all alone. Both are wrong and I've tried both approaches. We need the balance that Oswald refers too...that the Bible speaks of. After reading that chapter, I felt inspired. Yet only minutes later I discovered that a loved one very dear to me had just been served divorce papers. Aahh...I hate the enemy! I pleaded with my loved one...."Fight, please, fight! God hates divorce! Don't give up! This is not the end! He can resurrect anything!" I really and sadly don't see either one of them fighting, so of course why victory. God, please help them, to the glory of Your Name! (Psalm 44:26.) Please pray for these loved ones of mine bloggy friends! Thank you!

This situation breaks my heart, but this is not a new story, folks. The Bible begins with a marriage and the serpent bent on destroying it. And it ends with a marriage and the same serpent. Yet, this time, at the end, we know Who wins! We have the victory in Jesus, friends! Don't put down your sword! Don't get weary! He is fighting for and with you! I am evidence of that in my own life! It's just like all my favorite, classic movies like: Braveheart, The Lord of the RIngs, the Rocky's attest too. Give God your heart. Against all odds, these people won! I am learning this too. As my man and I talk about marriage, (please pray for that!) we are preparing ourselves for all the battles that too come with it. We are truly a story of, "Against al odds," YET, in that, we see victory b/c we need Jesus and it's all to His Glory that we would work! Hence why I am reading the book, Love & War. It's like when you first become a Christian. I watch YL kids all the time want God, yet when the battle heats up, they bail b/c they thought life with Him would be a fairy tale. Well, life with God is actually a fairy tale...but do we forget that every fairy tale has a villian? Yes, there is happily ever after, but it's a battle. So it is with Christianity. So it is with marriage. When we say I do, we must be aware that we are signing up for war...but we have each other, the victory in Jesus and His love.

I don't pretend to know it all or to have it all together. I don't! In fact, just as John 15:5-8 attests too, I am nothing without Jesus! I NEED Him: in my life, in my struggles, in YL, in my relationships, with my boyfriend, in my future marriage, in EVERYTHING!!! I know that! And in HIm, I am victorious! And so are you! In this war, you may get bit, but you have Jesus and in Him, you have victory! The underdog, like in the movies, in the Bible, with my man and I, as my testimony attests too, ALWAYS comes out on top with Jesus! Don't give up!

If you read my blog often, you know how God loves me so tenderly, and all the time, through Psalm 23. Well, may the following song encourage you as it does me...

House of God Forever, by Jon Foreman

God is my Shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quiet streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause You are with me
You are with me

Your Shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Will follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever

God is my Shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
Like quiet streams
Even while I'm walking
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause You are with me
You're always with me

Your Shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Will follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever
In the house of God, forever

Update via pictures

Despite all the glorious teachings, I also have been "living life." :) Here are some long overdue updates via pictures...

First, I have been staying busy watching my nieces & nephew (and surrogate niece) play at basketball, ballet & such. And recently enjoyed a sweet time (for this season) of encouragement and prophecy from long time Godly, family friends...







Finally just a couple of pictures from Christmas and my big birthday...





Also, pictures from my sister's birthday/murder mystery dinner theatre (that I recently blogged about.) Please don't judge my hair..I had a moment of crisis and cut bangs...ha. They were a fun change but are not for me and growing out! :) And neither my horrible outfit...it was a show...in which I actually won best dressed...ha! And remember...I was the one murdered. I should have won best actress... :)

















And lastly, introducing my new BF, Steven, and some new baby additions through a YL kid and friends...

March on, my soul; be strong!

I have never found in an interest in America's super bowl phenomenon (although I am glad that the Saints won...I'm for underdogs!), so last night I had coffee with a couple of YL girls and then headed to church instead of partaking. It was like a ghost-town at church. :) But it felt nice. Due to a chain of circumstances (as previously briefly mentioned in my last blog), I've recently switched from my normal am church attendance to our pm church service. It's been a weird adjustment for me (as everything currently in my life is) and as most of my friends are in the morning service. However, last night felt nice. It was quiet, peaceful, intimate...just Jesus and I and a few other worshipers. We began with singing 2 classic hymns that I love and I feel very appropriate for me now: It is Well With My Soul & I Surrender All. I began thinking of about all the places that Jesus had taken me. I have come so far and He has carried me through it all and has been my constant! Oh praise His Name! It was affirmation that I too would make it through this un-comfortable journey that I find myself in. A road filled with un-certainty, newness, hard losses, tests, victories, temptations, etc. Then the message came and it too was so fitting for me. My church is still going through Genesis and last night my pastor spoke on Genesis 16, where Abram & Sarai make a poor choice regarding Hagar. Basic points that stuck out to me...

Abram was in process, not perfected (Amen!)...It's a problem when you "satisfy" your soul with something other than God. Wait for the real meal & stop filling up on "chips"...God's delay is not always His denial...A reckless heart leads to a reckless life...Plan B is an affair...our 1 sin affects many (ex. Ishmael)...Don't jump ahead of God and make a mess, rather wait and hope in Him and feast on the true delight of Him!

All in all, it was a good word for me. In this un-comfortable time, I must rest in God as my Comfort and not look back or step ahead without Him. Reeling from my epiphany during worship, the message last night, and a scary nightmare trying to pull me back into my Egypt, I awoke this morning wondering why it is so hard for me to "move forward?" I want to move forward, I am; However, it's so hard for me. Why God? Why do I resist? Do you struggle with that? With that question in mind, I brought it to Jesus. And here is what I discovered...

God brought me to Isaiah 43:1-4 & 18 & 19. Beside it I had written 5/2009...which means that God gave me that exact word at the beginning of when this whole process of leaving my "Egpyt" started for me. God is so cool! Today I was given it again, almost as if He was saying....2/10-fulfilled! "Forget the former things, I am doing a new thing, Corrie! And although you have passed through hard times, I am with you, b/c You are precious and honored in my sight, and I love you!" Wow! After that, I turned to my bible study where we were studying about Deborah from Judges 4. Then I read these words, "I might face risk, sacrifice & pain, but I must not give up, rather hope in Him, march on in faith & persevere." Hello! Again, God is so cool!

You see, as I walk this new road, I find that, as 1 Corinthians 6:12 sates, "Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial." Only God knows what is beneficial for me. I may not know where His road leads, but if I surrender to Him everyday, He will move my pillar of cloud and it will benefit me to follow. I must march on. I will be a slave to something. Be it in Egypt, my grumblings in the desert, Or God. But only His Mastery brings liberty! I choose to be mastered by Him alone! What about you?

"Wait for the Lord and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land..." Psalm 37:34. He is our Promised Land!

In closing, here is a recent pic of my family, minus Woodtsock. :) And of some flowers God gave me as a promise (Ok, I bought them for myself, but it counts!) He sees me as a daisy in the desert! :) And you too! "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come; the cooing of does is heard in our land. The fig tree forms it's early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." Song of Songs 2:11-13.

Hope

A long one but I hope you read and it's an encouraging word for you, as it was me...

The past few days have been rough for me. As God has parted my red sea and carried me through, Satan is wanting me to grumble in the desert so as to detain me from my promised land. Just as he does to all of us. And further more, being a leader in ministry, I wrestle (in the spiritual realm) for lost high school kids daily. Satan already has them down (for the most part), but if he can get me down (the one fighting for them on their behalf), then what better way to keep them down. You know? Let's just say, I feel blows from all sides and these past few days I have felt weary and lost the will to fight...therefore, I have given into some grumbling in the desert-thus leaving me feeling hopeless and causing me to make impulsive, horrible, decisions-out of hopelessness. I know some of you feel me. Last night I was weary and I couldn't sleep. Thoughts raced through my head and I decided at 3 something in the morning that I would fast today. I felt pulls back to my egypt and I did not want to go back! But I knew this battle was way beyond me. So this morning I headed into my QT, determined and ready for " 'this' to only come out by prayer and fasting." And just as our sweet Savior would have it, He stepped in, interceded, and fought for me. Oh praise His Name!

I read through a Psalm a day and the first word I received from God was from Psalm 35:1-3 & 27. "God delights in the well-being (wholeness, security, safety, comfort, peace, completeness & satisfaction) of me"...as my Hebrew/Greek Key Word Study Bible defined! :) But that may not come in ways we expect...as follows reads.

After the above word, I then turned to my Worship the King devotional, where God re-affirmed me that it truly is ALL ABOUT HIM AND NOT ABOUT ME! He has been hammering that truth into me so much lately! And with that comes much humility!!! Oh boy! But that's a good thing, right? Humility places us in a dependent position upon our Savior...as a child. And we must humbly and simply seek His Glory in EVERYTHING, as Chris Tiegreen's devotional stated. Our worship, ministry, prayer, victory, etc. need to be a God-centerd outlook! Just as Paul lived and stated in Philippians 1:20&21. The quote at the end of one of Chris' recent devo's said this, "Provided that God be glorified, we must not care by whom." - Francis De Sales. Boy have I ever been learning that truth and gaining that perspective lately! For lack of time and personal reasons, I will spare you the details. But in short...I wanted my life to be one way with one man and put my security in that. We dated for a long time and I thought that's how it was gonna and should be. Yet, through a chain of crazy circumstances, God planned another route for He and I. At first neither of us could understand it. We wanted us to work. Why all this craziness? Neither one of us was obviously perfect but it truly was neither of our faults. In our eyes, we made sense. And we could have tried, through Christ in us, to make it work. But we weren't God's plan for us. He had another plan. For the longest time I couldn't see that...neither could he. But now, as the relationship has ended/been severed by God, time has passed, and we have both moved on, I can see from God's perspective. You see, he and I are both Godly people who God used in each other's lives for a season. And we wanted it to work, but it wasn't God's plan for us. We didn't bring out the best in each other. (I for one was in deed a mess.) We wanted what we thought was best for us. But God knew what was best for us and it wasn't each other. You see, we do so much for our own glory...it's all about us. But in reality...we are here for God's glory...it's all about Him! He alone knows what we need and what is best for us! That doesn't make other people or circumstances bad. Young Life is for me, but other ministries are just as good. Get what I'm saying? Losing my ex has been hard, due to the circumstances. I made him my security when only God should be, for one. And I know that now. And he is a great guy and we shared a lot...that's why the mourning is there. But with God's perspective though, I see the beauty in it...His Glory...and Glory hurts! But we are here for Him, not us...that is truly how I want to live my life! And now, only through God, can I say that I want someone better suited for him and it looks as though he may have found her already. (I'm praying for yall if you are reading.) :) And in turn, God has picked someone better suited for me. Not better, just better suited. I would never have picked this person (no offense if you are reading!) :) I mean, he is a wonderful man, but, it wasn't my plan, it was God's. Get it? God knew what would bring Him Glory on the WHOLE! Against all odds, maybe me and my new man (one of the risks God recently asked me to take) exist together soley to be a light to each other's families. I don't know? I don't even know where this new relationship will go. All I know, is that God took me away from one, leaned me into Him, and then brought me into another solely for HIS GLORY! And due to that, this new relationship works. Isn't that funny? We look to God for His Glory and things actually work...Ha. Ok, that was more of an explanation than I planned on giving, but trust me...I left out alot! :) Just pray for this please. Moving on....

After that huge tidbit of perspective, I felt freer, more healed. Praise God! Then God, through my Me, Myself & Lies Bible Study, took me to HOPE...the point of this blog. I learned (in God's perfect timing) that although I may be tired (hello...beginning of this blog), I must not let my emotions win and therefore give into feelings of hoplessness, through mis-placed hope. Rather, I must recognize, refuse & re-label lies and repeat! And most importantly, I must HOPE IN JESUS, His Word, & His un-failing Love...for He alone is IT!

I will end there. I can't believe that I disclosed as much as I did. But please know that I am not afraid to be real if my fallings and lessons can help you! And I know that enough time has gone by now that it's OK to be, with no hurt feelings. Plus, you don't know it all, and for good reason...it's none of your business. :) Bottom line folks, we are here for one purpose...God! Ask in every situation, what will bring You glory? For that is what works and what we really need and want guys. And glory hurts so some things may be hard. We may lose some security. But God is our hope! He alone is our only security! And in turning into Him, we will shine Him brighter to others (the whole reason why we are here!)

** "I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait (hopeful expectation rooted in God) for him.'" - Lamentations 3:24! **

Just when you need it...

Reeling from my last post, I headed out last night to teach campaigners (bible study for my YL High School friends.) We are going through James and I was on James chapter 4. I really focused on submission and what exactly that looks like. I shared some of my own stories as well...having a lot to do with my posts lately. I feel I am not a gifted teacher and plead with God to use me for these kids sakes each time. I left last night hoping that He had...hoping that they had learned something through my own lessons and scripture. Well, I awoke this morning and before my feet even hit the floor (my dogs didn't wake me up this morning, as they usually do, so I had a late start), I thought, "Oh no, it's gonna be 'one of those days.' I am already off to a late start and I can just feel it. I don't have the strength to fight, Jesus. Give me some strength. It's about to be an intense QT...I can tell. God, help me!" So optimistic, right? Ha! At least I asked God for help! :) Then, right after, my friend Hanna called and I felt I should answer (I don't like to present myself to anyone until I am Jesus filled...for their own sakes!) :) It was a good thing that I answered b/c she was in need of some encouragement. While encouraging her through scripture, God encouraged me. He answered. But I still thought, "Look how her day is so far...I guess thats what I have to look forward to as well." Again, so optimistic...ha. But in my defense, :) God has perfectly and graciously had me and Hanna walk through this same road together. Anyways, while I was talking to her my phone kept dinging (alerting me that I was getting an un-godly amount of texts) and I thought, "Dang, I'm never gonna make it to Jesus. YL work has already taken over." I carried on the conversation with Hanna, prayed for her and then hung up. Afterwards I proceeded to check my phone, only to be pleasantly surprised. 1st message...from one of my older, volunteer YL leaders, Plunkett. You have to know Plunkett...he is so faithful with YL and Jesus, but also a devout calvinist who cringes every time he has to sit under my "schizophrenic," un-scholastic teaching. :) However, this morning he sent me an encouraging message that said he was thinking about my talk last night and wanted to say he loved me and encourage me with 2 songs, Steve Camp, "Living Dangerously in the Hands of God," and Keith Green, "When I hear the Praises Start." They are definitely old school, as he said, but the words are so powerful. They fit so well with where I am at now and couple well with the song, "Walk on Water," by Britt Nicole (more updated) that God gave to me last night. You should check them out! Anyways, after my message from Plunkett, I had another message from another one of my volunteer YL leaders, Caroline. She said that her (and 2 other YL guy leaders of mine-Warren and Thomas) were sitting around after campaigners last night and talking about what a gifted and awesome teacher I am and how she knows that I'd deny it but she just wanted me to know that. After that message was one from a friend asking me if she could share my blog with others b/c it's encouraged her so much and she knows that they need some encouragement. "What?...My blog?", I thought. Then the rest of the messages were from kids saying how they needed to hear what I had to say last night, etc. And to top it off, one of my kids brought her 7 month old baby and his daddy last night and it's so encouraging to see them try and do "this thing right" now. Wow! Oh thank You, Jesus! "Why am I telling you all this," you may be wandering? Simply to assure you that you will have "one of those days," you will long for your egypt, you will get weary of the battle, you will blow it. BUT...just when you need it...God will come in and fight for you with the encouragement that you need. He is so good like that! You need not do anything! You just must be ready to receive. You may be pessimistic, but are you ready? Humble yourself under His Mighty hand and He WILL lift you up in due time! That is a command with a promise! Just as James states. Be ready to receive through faith, humility...submission. You are not alone! He is fighting for you, alongside you, with you! He is your Shepherd who knows what you want and will give you everything that you need! I'll close with the Britt Nicole song...

Walk on the Water

You look around
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under
You wonder

What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go

Chorus:

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water too

Verse 2:
So get out
And let
Your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste
Don't wait
Don't you turn around and miss out
On everything you were made for
I know you're not sure
So you play it safe
Try to run away

If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go

(chorus)

Bridge:
(step out)
Even when a storm hits
(step out)
Even when you're broken
(step out)
Even when your heart is telling you telling you to give up
(step out)
When your hope is stolen
(step out)
You can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting,
What are you waiting for?

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water...
Walk on the water too

Amen!

The Israelites

As I journey onwards in freedom, I am realizing that Satan is still wanting to destroy me and, as previously blogged, I must stay attached, through trust, to our/my Saving God! However, yesterday I journeyed close back to Egypt. Like the Israelites, I am wondering through the desert, with my Promised land in sight. I am happy to be freed, to have seen my enemies wash away in the parting of my own Red Sea. However, yesterday I started to grumble. Unbeknowest to me (as to what exactly was going on in my heart), I began, like the Israelites, to grumble in the desert. I longed for what I had while in slavery in Egypt and I caved in to it. Why do we do that? That is the question that I asked myself this morning in my QT. And the answer that I found...because it is comfortable, secure. Yuck! What a false security though...what a bondage! I don't want to go back to my Egypt! I no longer want to be enslaved! I yearn for my Promised Land! I have no clue where God is taking me right now. As I journey by faith He is causing this un-risk taker to make many risks, blindly. I already took one. And this morning I feel Him calling me to take another. There is no security in them. Perhaps that is why I am yearning for Egypt again...b/c it is "secure," comfortable. But that's the thing...I know that it wasn't secure. Only Christ is! I must see things through His perspective now as I walk this road of faith alone. For again, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME...IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM!!! He has a right to rule and His rule is right! As my Tiegreen devotional said this morning, God, "may we/I undergo a radical change of perspective so that we may become a true worshiper of You! Awaken us to delight in Your praise!" I hated what I had in Egypt, as comfortable as it was. And God in His grace and mercy and love freed me! Praise His Name! Yet now, as I walk through the desert blindly, I must not forget all His benefits! I must not grumble. For He will lift this pillar of cloud and tell me where and when to move in His time. Just as He did the Israelites. I just simply must trust and obey. As Psalm 34 states, "no-one will be condemned who takes refuge in you!" I seek refuge, security in You alone, Lord! It may not be comfortable, but there is freedom and purpose! I am ready, Lord, send me....

Trust

I had a pretty busy, yet fun weekend. It was my oldest sister's birthday so we hosted a murder mystery dinner at my parents house for her. My family loves these! I ended up being the one who got killed...by my own sister! Pictures to be posted later. :) I was busy cooking for that and then for a friend of mine who just had a baby. I love to cook and I love babies so it was a good kind of busy! I think it would be so fun to have my own restaraunt! Let me rephrase...I don't want all the fuss of one, just the fun of decorating it, making the menu and cooking some...ha. Anyways, as my freedom embarks and the tests lessen, I am learning how to fly. Something that God is teaching me currently is that I won't fly perfectly, and that is OK. But how can I walk victoriously daily, and not just on the mountain? I so want to do that! Trust and obedience. I looked up that word TRUST in my Hebrew/Greek key word study bible and it means: "to attach oneself to, to be confident and secure in, a confident expectation in, to not be in folly and rely on any other security, to feel safe in." HELLO! It's all about...Where is your security? Only God is secure! In Christ the solid Rock we must stand, all other ground is sinking sand! You see, as one of my devotionals recently stated, "God is concerned with one thing, what this piece of clay will look like in the end!" He knows the greater perspective. Will we look at things through His eyes and trust Him? Will we attach ourselves to Him? It's not about us! There is a bigger picture! And it's not about what we can do! I thought that for forever! I yearned to be holy, which isn't bad, but in my strive for it, I lost sight of God and was constantly frustrated b/c only he can make me holy. I am not perfect. How foolish! As one of my other devotionals stated, "We learn to be victorious by surrendering our lives to God, not by gritting our teeth and trying harder." GOD ALONE does it all...IT'S NOT ABOUT US! That's what makes the cross so fabulous! That's what I had been missing. I was a Martha when all I wanted to be was a Mary. Mary's are only Mary's by "getting" God's grace. Man, I have been so prideful and therefore lived in defeat for so long! You see, we can swing both ways. Some people get God's grace and don't try, but therefore abuse it and don't walk obedient. Others, like me, think they have something to do with whatever. Ha...No! God does the work for us, but then we must do our part. How? By trust and obedience! It's been so cool lately...as I am learning these lessons, God is confirming them every where I turn. For example, last night at church it was as if my pastor knew what I was walking through. He spoke basically on how our lives are run by FAITH ALONE! And even all my devotionals lately have been the same story. For example, in My Utmost for His Highest, Chambers recently wrote, "Our calling is not primarily to be holy men and women, but to be proclaimers of the gospel of God. As long as our eyes are focused on our own personal holiness, we will never even get close to the full reality of redemption. Christian workers fail b/c they place their desire for their own holiness above their desire for God. Paul (Romans 1:1) was not conscious of himself. He was recklessly abandoned, totally surrendered, and separated by God for one purpose-to proclaim the gospel of God...Get into the habit of saying, 'Speak, Lord,' and life will become a romance (I Samuel 3:9.) Every time circumstances press in on you, say, 'Speak, Lord,' and make time to listen. As we listen, our ears become more sensitive, and like Jesus, we will hear God all the time."

So how do I fly now? First and foremost, I stay connected to God alone through trust! He alone knows the bigger picture, what everyone needs, not just me. He alone holds unfailing love! As Beth Moore stated (in another one of my devotionals-ha)..."To live victorious every day of my life, I must learn to pour out my heart to God, confess sin daily, acknowledge every hollow place, and invite Him into me fully, so that nothing will hinder Him! Ephesians 3:19 and John 17:24. God loves us so! And secondly (for me personally), I must risk. I took my first risk a couple of days ago. It is not time for me to disclose yet just what that was, but all in due time. We shall see. Victory is a reality, guys. Whom the SON sets free is free indeed! Stay connected DAILY through trust and you will walk victoriously daily! Amen and Hallelujah! :)