Where to begin? I'll start by saying that I accepted Christ at a young age and I truly did love Him and desire to walk in His ways. But I didn't have much guidance so when life got tough for me (and it soon did), I abandoned what little I knew for a rebellious walk instead. It took God using the ministry of Young Life to teach me His ways and through it, in my Sr. yr. of High School, I decided to give Jesus my all. Perhaps that is why I love this ministry so much. But what I thought was the end all for me by surrendering, turned out to only be the beginning. I have walked through life with Jesus, but was a walking hurt. He had me, just not all of me like I thought. I had successfully learned how to put a fence around my heart so no-one could hurt and what I didn't realize was that I fenced out Jesus as well. Well over a year ago I realized that I was in need of some healing. I was at a crossroads in life and couldn't hide behind my righteousness or my hiding places anymore. I had to be real and the real me was in pain. So I began to see a wonderful Christian counselor and through a chain of events, my healing began to take place. All that I had prayed for was coming true...but in God's time, in God's ways. Last Thanksgiving I went to Israel and it was amazing. It was there that a prophet, named Israel spoke over me confirming all that Jesus had created me to be at birth (Psalm 139) but that I had allowed the enemy to squash with his lies. I was living in spiritual rebellion by not believing God. Since then more has taken place that is way too personal to write, and would require too much writing for. But in brief (as long as this already is) God has been working in countless ways to free me. And then what I would like to call my "coming forth" day, as my sweet and prophetic friend, Gina so eloquently stated it, occurred yesterday. But it all began on friday. I was at my counseling appt., where a huge breakthrough had just taken place. Again that is too personal and too much to write but it was powerful for me. My "safety net" that satan had weaved for me when I was a little girl was exposed. His gig was up...the lie was over! No fear resided either. I just felt freedom. I could taste it, touch it, smell it! I left my appt. and penned a poem. It was entitled, Safety Nets, and here is what it said...
He offered me his hand to have this dance and I took it.
He promised me that he could offer me a safety net and I liked that idea.
I felt safe with him. I liked my place of rest.
But all that I knew of child-like faith and wonder was gone with him. Something was missing.
My story was exposed. The lie was uncovered.
I abandoned all I was and the net trapped me.
But then HE came.
He came to cut my net and set me free.
At first I was scared and clung on. But the tighter my embrace became, the more He cut.
I was afraid that He would cut me. And then one day I fell. And when I did I looked up at where I had been trapped and noticed that my vulnerability here had only left me naked, with-out love. I was empty.
BUT HE began weaving a cloth for me out of the net. The net was now gone.
I had nothing to fall on. But I had His hand, and He would not let me go.
He led me onto the dance floor, in my beautiful new dress, and sweet joy filled my soul.
The windows to my room were now opened and new life blew in. My hair blew in beauty.
And I was happy with my Prince, my love.
He now had my heart.
I am not a skillful writer but I penned those words in seconds b/c they were straight from the Spirit, into the depths of my own heart. Well, shortly after that poem was written, God began speaking words of surrender over me. I wasn't sure where the theme was heading too. After all, I have nothing that I am holding back from God, I thought. But I found myself at church yesterday, where the word surrender was still stirring in my heart all during worship. In my quiet time that morning God had given me Isaiah 43:10. "You are my witnesses so that you may know me..." We are His witnesses by knowing Him? Yes! And to know Him here means, intimately...like how husband and wife intimately know each other. I was actually reading about that in my Beth Moore daily devotional. She has taught me so much. Well, that brings me back to church. When I arrived, with surrender stirring in my heart but unsure as to why, I found that my wonderful boyfriend, Ryan, had saved me a seat, not in our usual section. I was sitting right behind Beth Moore. Which had no meaning at the time, but proved to later. The service began and our amazing pastor, Gregg, began speaking about I Corinthians 11:1..."follow me as I follow Christ." He was saying that when we are new in the faith it's OK to follow people to Jesus, but once we mature, we need to just follow Jesus. Well at that moment I began thinking of who I had followed to Jesus. My Young Life leader, Haddad, and then Beth Moore and Mary Ann Bridgwater. And then I knew what I had to do. I had to send Beth a little note to tell her thank you. She was right in front of me and the Spirit was prompting me so! So I did. It just said, "Beth, thanks for being someone that I could follow to Jesus." And I meant every word! Well she proceeded to write me back, "And pretty soon I'll be watching you!" That hit me like a ton of bricks! And not b/c Beth Moore had written it, although I was so blessed. BUt b/c I knew that Jesus had her write that. Jesus was speaking straight to me. Watch me? Who could gain Jesus by watching me, I thought. And that's when I asked myself. Why do so many women worship Beth Moore? And I realized. It is not her that they worship. It is Jesus in her. They don't like Beth b/c she is righteous. They like her b/c she is passionate for Jesus. She is His witness b/c she KNOWS Him! And all those women could have that for themselves. And then it hit me. That is how I can be a light...someone people can watch. Simply by KNOWING Jesus. After that my heart was stirring. And not in a "I just received a warm fuzzy feeling at church that won't last kinda way." Nor b/c Beth Moore had written me. But rather b/c, "God is doing a lasting work in my heart that I can't escape" kinda way. We took communion and I was talking with God about how I desperately wanted to be His light...I wanted to be so close to Him that nothing would no longer come between us...I wanted to hear His voice at all times and walk in the Spirit...I wanted to be all about Him (as the sermon was saying)...I wanted to be a Jesus freak...I wanted to SURRENDER. There was that theme again. But surrender what? I was holding nothing back from Him, I thought. And then our church's invitation came. I have only "walked the isle" at church 2x in my whole 28 years of life! Once to accept Christ at a Camp Quaker Haven Church Camp when I was a little girl, and secondly, to surrender my life to missions when I was 18 at Logos at Second Baptist Church.I had never done it at my own church, except to pray over people. But I had to walk down. The Spirit is compelling at times and hard to ignore. And so I did. as soon as I knelt I felt a hand on my back. I had no idea who it was but I could feel the Spirit in them and I just began shaking and weeping. I was victoriously surrendering my life to the Lord....although at the time i didn't know in what way. I was;t surrendering to salvation, nor was I letting go of anything. I had already done all of that. All I knew was that the Spirit was there and I was surrendering. Well, the invitation came to an end and I looked up to find my sweet friend, Emily, who went to Africa with me praying over me. What a gift! And then it hit me. Jesus spoke that story in the Bible over me about the Rich Young Ruler. And I knew then what He had me surrender...my heart. I heard Him so clearly say in my Spirit, "All I want is your heart, Corrie. Your false 'safety net' kept everyone away and from hurting you for all these years, even me. I want you! And that, my child, is how you will then have all of me and walk in the Spirit and be my light. Your request is something that I have been wanting just as much." My heart. That is what Jesus wanted of me. He wanted me! Such an easy concept. One that I knew and even teach my Young Life kids. And one that I thought I had done myself, but I never really had fully. So I gave Jesus access to all of my heart yesterday...I surrendered it. And I felt different. I feel different.
"'You are my witnesses', declares the Lord, 'and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me.'" ISAIAH 43:10
By the way, there were 2 former Young Life kids who came to church that day and I didn't know that they would be there. They told me that they had followed me to Jesus. And it blessed me b/c it made me realize that even before we break free and get our stuff together, of we are believers, then He can use us. He used a donkey! But oh how I and how He wants to be able to have all of us b/c then, oh then, how He can really use us! You have me, Lord! May you let Him have you too! It's worth it! Nothing else will do!
*(UPDATE): In conclusion (finally)...just today (10/17/08) I felt that God wrapped up this whole season and story for me, in my quiet time with this....John 4:1-42. Another Bible story prophesied over me 2 years ago and finally ringing true today! Praise His name! And I even have already got to share what the Lord has done with me, like this woman, to one of my friends in my same boat and it ministered to her! Oh praise you Lord! He is my Living water now! The other temporary fills are gone and I'm claiming it in Jesus' name! Amen! :)