Friday, August 10, 2012
Last night I just sat there and wept and I dont cry usually. I feel so broken-hearted, mis-understood, alone, pruned to nakedness. So much change is happening in my life and I wish I were perfect. There, I said it. I desperately want to be a fruitful vine of His love for the world to see Him with! I want to be as much like Jesus as I can be. Which isn't a bad thing to want at all. We should all actually want that. However, b/c I think that way, I put such high expectations on myself and others...which isn't good. I'm an over-expector! :) I'm constantly feeling let down or like I let myself down. People can never be perfect. Only Jesus is! But we can be Christ-like and oh how I thank God for His grace! I am screaming on the inside about so many situations that are completely out of my control but that others feel that I should control. I wonder, "What am I doing wrong, God? What should I be doing different? Please either correct me or encourage me. Either way...I just need to hear from YOU! I need you to fight for me. I want to be perfect! I want these people to do what You say! I need your help! I need you!" I had a rough day for many reasons yesterday. But I had to push that aside and at the end of the day, do my job as a YL leader and as a mom. As the sun began to set, I returned some texts from hurting kids and then I gathered Lillie in my arms, bathed her, massaged her with lotion, fed her, read her a story, prayed for her, sang over her and then rocked her to sleep. Her sweet spirit calmed mine. Then I headed outside to water my plants and just gather my thoughts. I breathed, put my hands to the nozzle and just drank the Father in. I wept, cried out, listened. He entertained me with hummingbirds dancing all around their feeder and at my tree in my backyard; butterflies at my flowers; my dogs relaxing in the sunset; and a gentle breeze. As I watered I watched the plants drink in their nourishment and revive their weary heads. I glanced at one of my plants and was amazed at how much growth had taken place. See pictures below. I remember when it was first starting to prune itself and it looked so sad. Steven told me to just throw it away. But I was determined to revive it. "There is still life in it" I told him, as I cut away and saw the green inside it's outwardly dead stems. So I did what I could do and waited. "The law of the garden is the law of life: Early sacrifice for later bounty. Cut out that which seems good to invest in the best. It's painful to prune out good things blooming. Its hard to remember why you are pruning. It's hard to have faith in the harvest coming-but later. It takes courage to crop a life back-but it's exactly the way to have the best crop of all." - Ann Voskamp. I lose patience in the pruning times. A garden isn't always producing fruit. But to fulfill it's purpose, it must stay connected to it's life source. And sometimes you have to cut away the good, to get to the better. You must be patient and let God work. I get it. "I am connected, God! What now?," I cried out. I finished watering and then a phone call came from one of my mentors at just the right time. A voice of truth, protection, encouragement, hope, love and comfort. I sensed God telling me, "Sweet child, you are far from perfect. But I see your heart to want to be and I applaud it. Rest in my grace. I am in control and will handle these situations for you. Can you trust that I have a plan in the pain and even I was mis-understood as well? Yet as a sheep was led to the slaughter, so I did not open my mouth. Stay quiet in this season and know that the truth always wins in the end. Just follow hard after me and I will take care of the rest. I am having to prune some things in you and around you. But you are not left alone." Ok, Jesus...I trust. That I will. I am no martyr, but I guess I know a little bit of what Jesus meant in Matthew 10. Bottom line, following Jesus isn't easy. It's actually harder. But you always win in the end and with Him, you have peace, joy, truth, hope, etc. One day the blossoms will re-appear and be a sweet aroma to all! Something I wouldn't trade in all the world...even in the midst of deep pain. But for now I must wait...be still and know that He is God and then He will be exalted in my life if I remain in Him! O God, I desperately am trying to remain in you! But thank you for your grace that releases me and others from perfection! May people afford me that same kind of grace as well, I pray. I plant my feet in the soil of You and await the harvest! "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33.