I'm in the mountains of Georgia right now for YL training. Days are long here as we sit in class A LOT. However, we were afforded a small break after lunch today (Ok, so really we're supposed to be in another meeting but I chose to skip) :) and as I sit here, sipping coffee, I am watching it snow. It is so peaceful. It falls so softly, quietly, pure and fresh. It is a call to "Be still and know that He is God. And then He will be exalted above the nations." Psalm 46:10. Peace. Ah, what a weighty word that is. It is something that I haven't felt in a few weeks. As previously posted, my life has been recently turned upside down. Last night I found myself alone on our cabin floor, crying out to God for some peace. I don't even have enough strength to lift my own head and yesterday was a rough day. I miss laughing. BUT TODAY. My circumstance haven't changed. But today, I awoke and decided to choose joy. It is a choice at times and is biblical. So I did just that. I laughed for the first time. And then I got to our theology class and we started it out by watching some of the most depressing movie clips that I have ever seen. Then we sang the old hymn, Man of Sorrows. It was a somber feel. After that our professors stood up to announce that we would in fact be talking about the theology of suffering and the cross today. I laughed. On the day that I chose joy of all things...ha! But so like God, it was beautifully ordained and I felt His peace. Peace. There are so many different meanings to that word. Most of the time we think, as I do, of freshly fallen snow, a river, etc. But it holds so much more meaning than that. As one of my beloved bible study teachers, Beth Moore, taught, Christ's peace rules...it comes with a sword a lot of the times! Yes, that is indeed so true. In this season of my life His peace has truly hit me with a sword...and it has been quite painful. I have yet to be able to see the "forrest through the trees." But today. Today I awoke with a sense of His peace in my heart. As I follow my Savior's journey to the cross, I am reminded that if we truly want to live as His disciples, as salt and light, for the purpose in which He sent us, the resurrected life, then we have to literally die to ourselves-and die daily. It is a cost that most are not willing to pay. Yet I have cried out to want to follow my Savior anywhere, as Peter did. And just as Peter was tested, so God is testing me. That was the question He posed to me this morning in my devotions. "Corrie, will you really take up your cross daily, as you said, and follow me? That is why you are where you are now." And with much fear I responded, "Yes." I used to condemn myself for fear. It isn't of God, I know. His perfect love casts it out. But that's my problem now. I have yet to fully be satisfied in His love for me. I know it, but I don't "KNOW" it yet. I long to know and love Him more than anything else in my life! It's a prayer I know that He will answer. I just pray soon. In the meantime, God assured me today that He does not hold my fear against me. Instead, He reminded me that He is in fact my Emmanuel-God with me. And He is in fact walking this journey with me and loving me just as I am. Many people have promised to love me and never leave, yet they have left and left abruptly. But only God's love is unfailing. Well, after that revelation, I opened the scriptures to the book of Luke, where I have been studying lately. Today I was in chapter 11. Verse 46 stuck out to me, as I am learning how to walk away from the generational sins. As I was praying that I would not be like a pharisee (something that I have been addressing in the book that I am writing), I received a text from one of my sisters. She randomly wanted to apologize for shunning me and withholding love from me when I do things that she doesn't necessarily agree with. She begged me to forgive her b/c apparently she is experiencing the same thing right now from others and knows how horrible it feels. She then committed to just loving me unconditionally. Wow! That meant so much to me! That is another thing that I have been fighting against for awhile now. God is good. He lifts up our head in just the right time. After that I turned to my new Bible study-in which I was learning the importance of meditation. We meditate on so many words that we let define us. That is why it is so important to CONSTANTLY meditate on the truth of scripture. In my bible study it was brought to my attention that we will meditate on lies (for the most part) if not truth. That is what I have done. B/c love has been presented to me so conditionally, I feel very un-loved a lot of the times. Therefore, the words that I subconsciously meditate upon in my head are things like, "no-one loves you, Corrie," "you are un-worthy," etc. But today. Today I was reminded on what I need to meditate upon. So truth is becoming even more so of my serum and healing balm. I finally feel encouraged today. I feel His peace. My circumstances haven't changed and I may still be scared but I know He is near and His "snow" is falling afresh on me right now in so many ways! :) Please keep praying for me blog community. May the Prince of Peace rule in your hearts and minds!
P.S. Sorry if this is jumbled. I am short on time and internet connection and surrounded by way too many distractions. I'm off now to play in the freezing snow a bit before my next meeting. Peace out! :)